#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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Sign at work today
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks