Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno