[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Born to be mild.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
It’s an epidemic…
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.