*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year