*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Wednesday
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that