*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.