*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Meth is short for Elizameth.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.