@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

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@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

@topaz_kell

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

@ACartoonCat

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

@CulturedRuffian

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

@gobmentcheese

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

@WheelTod

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.