*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!


Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…


“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.


Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy


Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’


I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”



Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins


I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.