*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Is this you?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me