*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
The honesty is refreshing
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: