*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much