[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

You Might Also Like


COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs


If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.


*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!


My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.


Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?


“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.


*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now


i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg