Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
You Might Also Like
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*