*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?