@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

@SexyInsomniac

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

@QwertyJones3

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@writingiswar

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

@robyn_vo

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

@StarWarsProblms

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

@kimlockhartga

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

@imteddybless

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?