[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
You Might Also Like
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
This is my brand.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.