Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks