Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
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Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*
Me: I rest my case
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Waking up Early
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me: Well, obviously.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.