What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.