Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
dude it’s called proctologist
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them