making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
this chia pet tastes awful
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Merica.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]