Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”