[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.