*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’ve had worse
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
At least he brought enough for everyone
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.