[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
yall want some gasoline milk
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Welcome to the stomach
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.