[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The Struggle
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.