Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!