making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
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when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
are there any atheist mantises?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song