[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Happy birthday to all the women
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.