male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me adding lol on a serious message
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Still laughing at this stupid meme