“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Are we there yet?…
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.