*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
why would tinder want me to say this
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.