[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?