Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
the answer was staring at me all along
Body by Oreos
I finally found a reason to live again.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this