[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
i actually laughed 😩
My teenage children choosing violence
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.