[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You Might Also Like
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude