Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*