Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
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Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
what could possibly go wrong?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut