Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
sensitive skin
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges