Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.