mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
