Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’m aging like a fine banana
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]