Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo