Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
At least he brought enough for everyone
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Bobby pin
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win