[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
drew a comic about my origin story
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?