Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
You Might Also Like
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*checks Timeline*…
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”