Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Follow me for more recipes

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.