Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.