@internetluke

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

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@HeyoShellz

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

@P1ssed_K1d

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

@CulturedRuffian

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

@KenTremendous

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

@Social_Mime

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

@peterjames48

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

@meghaffer

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

@SavageDabs69

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.