@HeyoShellz My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
@internetluke Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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@HeyoShellz 
@P1ssed_K1d If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
@CulturedRuffian Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
@KenTremendous “Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
@Social_Mime Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
@peterjames48 “SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
@ckretmsage I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
@meghaffer The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
@SavageDabs69 I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
@Mr_Dizzystick I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.