Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Solving a traffic jam

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.