@hythemafia

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

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@PaperWash

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

@boyletfire

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

@lawyerthoughts

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

@stephenjmolloy

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

@MichaelTrying

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

@LindaInDisguise

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@HenpeckedHal

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer