MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!


ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.


[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes


Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary


Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.


Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.


[knock on door]
Who is it?
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]


[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*


wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework


*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*