MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!


ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

You Might Also Like


FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this


You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs


My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills


I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them


[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years


Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?


brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT


Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-