man i love columbo
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.