Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
You Might Also Like
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
doing your own taxes
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
look at me when i’m typing to you
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.