Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

He-man has a Masters degree

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart