Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Animal poetry
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.