Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
A woman drives into a bar.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.