Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
man: you’re beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
“Describe yourself in one word.”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are