Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
You Might Also Like
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”